WHEN ANGER TURNS TO BITTERNESS

What is bitterness?
Bitterness is an attitude of prolonged, intense anger and animosity, often accompanied by cynicism and resentment. The bitter person may have been wronged or frustrated, but he or she does not try to deal with the resulting anger. Instead, the person dwells on the individual or event that caused the anger. Instead of fading away, the anger builds in the mind, and often there is a determination or an obsession about striking back or getting even.

How to Deal with an Angry and Bitter Person: Dealing with Anger and Bad Behavior from Other People

There is simply no escaping it. Sooner or later, you are going to run into and have to deal with an angry and bitter person or persons. Unfortunately, it's a fact of life. Someone is angry, bitter, upset, jealous, mad, enraged, and you just happened to cross their path. So what's a body to do when they are faced with this wild beast known as an angry human and they are bent on taking their frustrations with their life out on you?

There are several options open in how to handle an out of control person. Remember that for a person with chronic anger control issues, the anger is their problem, it's eating at them. It's not about you at all. You just happen to be the one they are crying out to for help. How you choose to deal with the angry person can not only help you but perhaps even help lead the angry person to peace.

The first option would be to run the other way. That's easy to do if you happen to be in a store or something of the sort, but not so easy if you are around this person often due to school or work situations or something similar.

The second option is to strike back with a vengeance. This is human nature. When someone hurts you, our first initial reaction is often to return hurt for hurt and pain for pain. But this isn't right. Returning vengeance for a wrong done only makes you look bad, and it only puts a burden on your heart. The angry person is seeking love and acceptance, but often they are so filled with anger, bitterness, strife, and jealously that love simply has no room in their heart.

The third option is the hardest but the most rewarding, and that is to listen to the person and let them throw all the anger they can muster at you because the angry person isn't really striking at us to hurt us, even though that often happens. They are striking at us in hopes that we are strong enough to handle what they are throwing at us, needing someone not to run away, but to listen to them.

When a person who is filled with anger, seemingly towards you, the best way to deal with them is to simply remember the fact that it's not about you, it's their problem, their issue. How far into listening and trying to befriend them is up to the individual. When you keep in mind that their anger is indeed THEIR anger and THEIR problem and THEIR issue, then you can see that it's not you they are angered at after all, but rather they are angry and upset at something in their own lives. While it's admirable to want to help them out of that anger pit, that has to be something the angry person wants. If they are too wrapped up in their hate to even realize how badly they are behaving, then the best way to deal with them is to walk away and let them wallow in the anger. If they truly want help out of that anger, there's hope and peace waiting.

Surviving Your Roommate (And Surviving Yourself in the Process)

Surviving Your Roommate (And Surviving Yourself in the Process)

The financial benefits of roommates can be enormous. Splitting rent and utilities can save big bucks for all involved. And when the chemistry is right, compatible roommates can create a cozy little abode.

On the other hand, the wrong roommate can make home life miserable. And if you don't feel comfortable in your own home, you'll soon find yourself looking for a new one--or you'll be in the difficult position of having to ask someone else to move.  Living with roommates are also about learning about yourself.  You could be the devil to live with if you haven't figured that out already, then your roommate will certainly know.

Choose wisely

Living with someone is a big deal, period. Don't underestimate the impact it can have on your life. That means you should know as much as possible about the person you'll be sharing a home with, so you need to ask a lot of questions. The most important things to establish include:

Cleanliness. One person's slob is the next person's neat freak. Ask specific questions, for example: "Do you do the dishes right after dinner, or do you prefer to wait until the next day?"

Bedtime. There's nothing more maddening than to be woken out of a sound sleep, except perhaps not being able to fall asleep in the first place. A night person can drive a morning person crazy, and vice versa, especially if your place has thin walls. Ask potential roommates about their sleep habits, both on weekends and during the week.

Overnight guests. Your roommate's boyfriend unexpectedly loses his lease and suddenly he's at your place full-time. This is the scenario that breaks up more roommate relationships than any other. Be sure to ask potential roommates what they think is a reasonable overnight guest policy.

Noise level. Ask potential roommates what kind of music they like. It'll give you an idea of the kind of noise level they can tolerate. If they say Vivaldi, they probably like peace and quiet. But does that mean you'll have to walk on eggshells? Then again, if they fancy Guns N' Roses, are you going to feel blasted out of your own home?

Smoking. This is a no-brainer. Cigarette smoke is repulsive to non-smokers. Smokers, on the other hand, know the exquisite pleasure of lighting up, and don't want to be denied. It's always possible to work out an outside-only policy. Just make sure everyone is in agreement.

Partying. Drugs, alcohol, and late-night partying are intolerable for some and required activities for others. And remember, appearances can deceive. Sometimes it's the conservative-looking ones who really unleash on the weekends, while the guy with the Mohawk might prefer a quiet evening of knitting. Ask specific questions and don't judge anyone strictly on appearance.

Social compatibility. When making friends, shared values and interests are essential. But the same is not necessarily true for roommates. Concentrate on the basics first, like cleanliness and courteousness. Then again, it's nice to share a home with someone who's more than a business partner, so ask about their interests, their occupation, and so forth.

Pets. Do you or your potential roommate have a dog? A cat? A goldfish? Avoid surprises on moving day.

Special needs. Do you or the other person have allergies or other health issues? How about strongly held convictions that your roommates should respect? Make them known at the outset.

Credit. You don't need to run an official credit check. This you can leave to a landlord, if necessary. However, you do want some assurance that your potential roommate can pay the rent in full and on time. Ask about his or her employment and general situation. If you have any doubts, ask for references.

Establish clear rules

Good fences, they say, make good neighbors. Well, roommates are on the same side of the fence, so they need to have a clear set of house rules instead. Rules actually help prevent conflict, since they make clear who's in the right and who's in the wrong. Consider committing policies to writing. Issues to address include:

Cleaning. Make it clear who's responsible for cleaning which common areas, and when. Set up a schedule and post it, if necessary. Dishes are a particularly delicate area. Should they be done once a day, or after every meal?

Phone use. The best way to avoid conflict is for each roommate to have his or her own phone. But if you do share a line, one person should not be allowed to hog it. Consider a time limit if someone is waiting. And make it easy to leave messages by placing a pen and some paper in a common area. Attach them to a wall or shelf so they don't "walk away." And rather than a traditional answering machine, consider an electronic message service that provides each person with his or her own mailbox for increased privacy as well as convenience.

Quiet time. At what point should televisions and stereos be turned off at night? How late can the phone ring? Set a clear time when quiet should prevail in the home.

Trash. Like dishes, trash-emptying presents special problems. Is it a free-for-all? Or is one person responsible? If the can is left to overflow, perhaps you should try to make one person responsible, then switch off. And establish a recycling system that's too simple for anyone to plead ignorance.

Food. Do you share all food, or just certain staples like milk and sugar? Or nothing? If you borrow items from a roommate, how long do you have to replace them? If you shop and cook separately, does each person have his or her own designated area in the refrigerator and cabinets? And what about separate pots, dishes, and utensils? If you share them, you may end up doing someone else's dishes. Why? Because your roommate just used them and they're sitting in the sink.

Sort out money matters

Roommates share certain financial obligations, and you don't want to get stuck if your roommate fails to meet his or her share. Divide up financial responsibilities as clearly as possible, taking the following into account:

Separate leases. It's best if each person signs a separate lease with the landlord. That way each person is legally responsible for his or her own rent, plus any damages covered by a rental deposit. However, not all landlords are willing to do this. They'd rather have a single lease where everyone is responsible. That means if your roommate can't pay the rent, you might be responsible. Remember this when deciding who you're going to live with.

Paying rent. Find out whether your landlord wants a single check, or if you can each write separate checks for your share. Make sure everyone knows the day rent must be paid, and designate one person to collect the checks and mail them in.

Different rates. If one person has a larger bedroom, or an extra parking spot, he or she may pay more. Record this figure and keep it handy in case of a dispute down the road.

Phone and utility bills. Clearly establish who's responsible for which services, and make sure their name appears on the bill. To keep things fair, no single person should be responsible for all bills (and the potential credit problems if they're not paid in full and on time). Keep old bills in a convenient place in case a dispute arises, and consider posting the due dates in a prominent place, like on the refrigerator. If utility usage is uneven (for example, one person has a waterbed or an air conditioner), make a prior agreement in writing, and keep old bills to track any measurable differences.

Subletting. If a roommate is leaving town but plans to return eventually, does he or she have the right to sublet? Is it even allowable in your lease? If it is allowable, subletting is still a difficult situation. On one hand, he or she can save a great deal of money. On the other hand, it means inviting a potential stranger to live in the home of the others. Establish a sublet policy at the outset. You can choose a no-sublet policy, or you can allow subletting, but only if the remaining roommates approve of the new tenant.

Communicate and compromise

All good roommates have two traits in common: consideration and tolerance. That is, they do their best to respect their roommates' needs, and at the same time are willing to overlook the times when their roommates fail to do the same--within reason, of course.

Such behavior requires goodwill on all sides, and goodwill requires communication. If something is bothering you, it's your responsibility to speak up. Otherwise, the problem is going to fester, and silent warfare will ensue.

Likewise, you must be willing to listen if your roommate airs a complaint. For example, he or she may think the bathroom needs cleaning twice a week. For you, once a week is more than sufficient, and the request seems ridiculous. Well, guess what: it's his or her home too, so you both need to listen and compromise, even if you don't necessarily agree.

To facilitate the communication process, consider meeting regularly, perhaps once a month when rent is due. It doesn't have to be longer than a check-in. This can nip problems in the bud.

Sharing a home is never easy, but if you go into it with your eyes and mind open, it can be truly rewarding, both personally and financially.